Letting Kids and Adults Cry Is Okay - We Can Allow It and Support It
In a recent post, I shared five de-escalating statements to use instead of "calm down." One of them is, "You can cry; I don't mind! I'll be in the kitchen. Join me when you're ready."
How do we begin to accept that, at some point, it will be helpful to the child to allow them space and time to cry while we quietly hold space?
When our child is hurting emotionally and crying, this moves us to respond in a loving, supportive way. A child gets upset, and we respond. It's important to note that every child is different; depending on their needs and circumstances, the approach may differ. It's also important to consider how the parent feels.
With the "you can cry, I don't mind. Come join me when you're ready" example, I assume that this is an older child. A child that has experienced a parent-child relationship includes many instances of holding, soothing and listening. A child that was previously not left to deal with stressful emotional dysregulation on their own.
As the child grows and development unfolds, we slowly make it possible for them to turn inwards and process a range of emotions. At one point, they might express to us that now they need space, not be hugged or rescued. The child might tell us that they need us to hold space while self-regulating.
Suppose our automatic response is to start feeling responsible for the child's feelings, or we are moved to help alleviate their distress because we find it unbearable to witness our child experience emotional distress. In that case, it might be helpful to consider whether we are trying to manage the feelings that don't belong to us. Kathleen Smith describes this pattern in her article Are You Responsible for Others, or Responsible to Others? Further, Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson explain the differentiation process in their book The Yes Brain. They explain, "The differentiation in the relationship means that you allow her to experience the inevitable difficult emotions of life, but the linkage means that you stay connected enough to keep her safe and help her regain balance."
Supported crying differs from the "cry it out" method or a hands-off approach. For instance, a baby crying for comfort says I need to be held and should never be left to cry alone. For a child, being alone with their big feelings and crying while feeling safe and supported is entirely different from being alone with their big feelings prematurely and without a safety net. Letting kids and adults cry is okay - we can allow it and support it.
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Description text goes hereSiegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2018). The yes brain: how to cultivate courage, curiosity, and resilience in your child. First edition. New York, Bantam.
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